My two weeks of struggles in a nutshell:
Wow. A newborn is so hard. But not in the way I thought would be hard.
Breast feeding is HARD. It's uncomfortable, awkward, and two weeks later I think we've FINALLY gotten the hang of a good suck and swallow....just in time for my ever abundant milk supply to dwindle.
Lactation consultants are STRESSFUL. We're seeing our second one Monday and I'm expecting that visit to end in tears and anxiety like the others have gone with the initial lady.
Our sweet baby is doing great and looks great and got a great bill of health...except that she keeps LOSING weight. Enter more stress and anxiety and frustration.
I'm so anxious and frustrated and stressed that I'm not even tired.
Add to all of that a sleepy baby. A REALLY sleepy baby. A baby that we struggle to wake to feed and then struggle to keep awake to feed. In the middle of the night, that is so frustrating.
None of this frustration is at her, it's at me. I've never felt like such a failure at something and continuing to fail over and over every day with no change. And to not really know how to change it. And just when I think it's better it's not. It's worse. And it's not getting better.
I struggled with a lot of things very similar to what you are going through - breast feeding is so hard and I have so much admiration for those that are able to master it. My oldest fell asleep all the time while we were trying to get her to nurse - it was a struggle - she was a few weeks early and was jaundiced and i freaked out that she was not getting enough all the time. The lactation consultants stressed me out - the pressure to succeed stressed me out - having a new baby stressed me out - it is a lot. You cannot beat yourself up over it - you need to go with what works for you and your family. At the end of the day - I choose to pump vs. breast feed and i was not a failure for doing that - that was my way to ensure that I knew how much she was getting per feeding yet still the benefits of breast milk. There is the whole debate of the mother/daughter bond while breast feeding - again - I give all the credit to those that can do it but at the end of the day - for ME - it was more important that I be less stressed and pass that along to my baby. I wish I could have but at the end of the day - my daughters are both healthy - well adjusted girls who I have an incredible bonds with. Every mom has the right to do what works for them and not feel guilt or shame - there is no perfect go to answer that works for everyone. Enjoy all this time - it is the best time that I will never forget.
ReplyDeleteHuge hugs, honey. The first few weeks are SO hard. My LC recommended that we not wake her to feed, but instead, I pumped at a regular evening interval (to keep my supply up, and I would wake up during the night when she would still be sleeping). Eventually, we all settled into a routine of demand feeding. It was SO tough at first and I would just sit there and cry and cry. However, it all fell into place and breastfeeding became a dream. I'm telling you this so that you know there is light at the end of the tunnel and YOU CAN DO IT!!! How you choose to feed your baby is a deeply personal decision, so just trust your instinct and do what you feel is right. If your LC stresses you out and ends in tears... that is NOT right for you! I loved Dr. Sears breastfeeding book when I was first learning and BFing... I called it my breastfeeding Bible! Please call/text/email if I can do ANYTHING for you! Right now, I'm praying and sending lots of milk success thoughts your way, my friend! xoxo GFF
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