The Beginning of our Family

Since I met The Architect (pretty much the night I met him), we have talked about having kids. 

Of course the night I met him when I asked if he had kids, and his response was “no”, I let out a huge sight and said, “Thank God!!  Aren’t you SO glad??  Could you imagine being tied to your ex forever?”  Now, at that time, I was in a pretty crummy place in life with a heart as hard as stone.  I didn’t realize that he has wanted to be a father since he was 22, and him and his first wife struggled for about a decade with infertility and in the end, she was never able to get pregnant.  

We have talked on and off a handful of times about us having kids and we just kind of brushed it under the rug as “probably not…”  First off, I have never really wanted them, because I feel like I have a pretty good idea about how much work they are, and I have never been with a partner than I felt was willing to contribute 50% of the help.   It only took about 2-3 dates to realize that he was different, what an amazing father he would be, and a piece of my heart hurt for him that he wasn’t one.  I am so happy and so content and so fulfilled in my life, that I am afraid that having a child will mess that up.  But then again, if the chance is there to give The Architect a child and make him a father, I would never want to deny that to him, or the child for that matter.  Also, with my parents aging (as the circle of life marches on), the thought of not having children was kind of scary too.  Even more so since The Architect is quite a bit older than me.    

At the end of the year we started talking more and more about it, and then at the beginning of the year we decided to just stop preventing.  Not that we were going to try, but at least stop preventing and just let whatever is in God's plan happen.  Neither of us was going to worry about it, count dates, take temps, and all that other stuff to detect ovulation, because if it did take a while, or if I was unable, I did NOT want him to go through another disappointment.  And if nothing came of it, no worries because we love life as it is now!

So….at the beginning of February my OBGYN removed my IUD....and then at the beginning of March, no period. 

We were both SO shocked it happened SO fast!  As in literally the first possible chance!  I feel like everyone I know who wants kids has the hardest time getting pregnant.  And all the websites on it are full of chlomid and IVF stories that I was expecting it to take a while too...IF I could even have them.  So when my period never arrived on its expected date on a Sunday, I took a test Monday morning and within 10 seconds it came back positive. 

All of a sudden my head was full of worries about what if it’s a false positive and we get our hopes up?  What were we thinking???  There’s no going back now!!!  Maybe we didn’t think about this enough, and talk about it enough…ahhhhh!!!  And it was hard because The Architect didn't want to tell anyone until at least eight weeks (when we told family), so it was hard knowing and trying to come to terms with it without having anyone to talk to.  I wanted SO bad to blog about it for an outlet, but a couple people I know in real life read, so I couldn't. 

At 8 weeks, my OBGYN did a sonogram, and it was then that we saw the little oval on the screen with the flickering of the heart.  At that moment, it became real to me.  And just like a friend of mine said, "then you'll have your ultrasound and freaking fall in love with a blob", which was so true.

It was also then, that I started researching midwives in the area.  In 2008 I watched The Business of Being Born and even though I thought I didn’t want to have kids back then, it planted a seed in my mind that has slowly grown over the last four years.  After I saw it, I appreciated the knowledge it gave me, but I was still too fearful to give birth outside of a hospital.  But, after reading many of birth stories from many different people all over the country (I heart blogging!!), and after reading several books on the subject, I am SO SO SO excited with our decision to have a home birth. 

Now, I realize that at any point in the pregnancy, a hospital birth might become necessary, but I’m okay with that, because it will be a last resort and because it is NEEDED.  I am SO SO SO thankful that I have an open minded husband who is supportive in my desire for this.

After ONE appointment with the midwives, we learned more about prenatal care, pregnancy, labor and birth than we did at three with my OB.  There just is no comparison to the care!  It is so warm and welcoming and calm and caring.  The whole environment is just soothing.  When we were waiting in the waiting area, we could hear them in the back with a client and The Architect looked at me and said, "they always sound like they are having so much fun here!"

I feel crazy, because the thing I am most excited about regarding being pregnant, is the process of labor and birth.  I think the whole thing (from conception to birth) is an absolute miracle, and it solidifies my faith in God.  I believe that every step in the process has a meaning and purpose that all perfectly fits together, and I don't want it intervened on in any way.  I have this vision in my mind of how beautiful and romantic and spiritual it is going to be: to be in the comfort of our home, surrounded, supported and encouraged by women that I have built a relationship with over 7 months, along with having my mom there to help me through it, and most importantly my amazing husband to help me in SO many ways through the whole process.  Everytime I imagine it in my head I tear up.  I just can’t wait!  My number one prayer that I pray multiple times a day, is that the baby is healthy and everything goes ok, and then that is immediately followed by a prayer for a safe and normal delivery that I am able to do at home.  I truly believe that God is in control of my life and I trust and accept whatever His plan is for me and my family. 

So…this week finishes up week 13, and next week starts the second trimester (of course according to the WTEWYE website, this week started the 2ns trimester...so confusing!).  My “guess date” is November 18^th, so just six more months to go!  I’m so happy that I can finally be open about all of this and write it all down.  There is so much I want to remember and look back on.

**Please, PLEASE don’t leave comments or email me about your horror birth stories and how you and/or your baby would have died if you had not been in a hospital.  I am trying to stay positive about the whole experience and I don’t need fear clouding my mind.  I know there are risks involved, but there are also (more) risks by having your baby in a hospital.  I have done the research (and still am!) and have spoken to several different professionals on the subject and I am very happy and very excited about our decision; one that I firmly believe that it is a good one.**